Writing a letter to your younger self is a popular writing/thought exercise. But when I think hard about past choices I wish I could change, I almost always see that there was no way I could have done it differently given who I was and the resources I had or didn't have. So there's no point in giving retrospective advice to my young self, and I decided to write a letter to my older self instead. Try it :-)
Dear 85-year-old Fran,
Greetings from 25 years ago. I hope you are well, robust, and agile, and that all your systems are working well. I hope there is greater fairness in the USA and less strife. I hope you love your body and your face. I hope your husband and your friends are healthy and active and that all of you can keep up with each other on walks, hikes and bike rides.
I've been working for over twenty years now to lay the foundation for your good health. I believe most health problems are a matter of bad luck, and yet it's worthwhile to try to delay them. So I've been lifting heavy weights and exercising pretty hard for a long time. My high heart rate defies the (almost without basis) formula of 220 minus age—not that that's unusual—and I hope that's still true for you.
Twenty years ago, my exercise intensity was much higher. Five years ago I noticed I no longer have the drive (the desire) to go to CrossFit or to work at the level that I used to. It took years to accept that that drive/desire was gone and not criticize myself over losing it. Age takes away and age also gives, at least that's the way it looks from here: if I were at CrossFit right now, I wouldn't be here writing to you. At 85, I hope you're still lifting weights and gardening and maybe even riding your bike. Where do you live? Hopefully, in a house that suits you, comfortable and safe.
I hope you're not regretting my beloved free time for its cost in earnings that I didn't earn. I realized in middle age that after decades I'm still decompressing from that devastating loss and the events around it. I need free time and solitude for mental health, and I always have. That’s part of why I’ve longed to work part time when finances allowed. The career drive was one of the things I lost before I was old enough to have it. I believe that as my self acceptance continues to grow, you, my elderly self, will be emotionally able to enjoy your life as much or more than ever.
I'm already grateful for the health foundation I've laid, for the means to be in therapy, and for being able to work part time. So I think that you, 85-year-old I, will be grateful for these things too, if bad luck hasn't ended my life by then.
For you (me) and for other women of my generation, I wish self-acceptance and the good relationships that can come from it. Let’s negotiate for what we need instead of acting out our resentments and bewildering other people. Let’s look into ourselves when we judge or blame somebody else, and see if maybe we’re projecting our own self-judgement or blame onto them. And let’s stop spending lots of money on trying to look like we have a young face. They’re all a rip-off, and we don’t look young, and why should we?
Love,
60-year-old Fran
"...and why should we?" One of the best things I could have done is to lean into being middle aged, instead of resisting.