How I made my aging (or ageing?) plan

A powerlifter's plan looks a lot different than a beauty/wellness writer's

__________ is in the eye of the beholder.

This post is in reponse to this one, by

Anita Bhagwandas

about the pressures on women over 40 to make their faces look artificially young. 

Bhagwandas works in the world of beauty, wellness, fashion, and media, and she took a work trip to a "wellness facility" where an "aesthetic doctor" criticized her face in a really pushy manner. 

Yikes. It's hard for me to imagine standing up to the number of comparing-self-to-others pitfalls she must encounter in her line of work. It sounds emotionally very strenuous.

To be better prepared and empowered next time, Bhagwandas made a plan describing her priorities and actions she'd take to manage the changes that come with middle age and beyond. She invites readers to make and share their own aging plan, and mine is below. I encourage you to read hers too.

I work in the world of physical fitness and strength training, and I'm twenty years older than Bhagwandas — 60 on my next birthday — so my plan is very different from hers. Maybe most people’s concerns fall somewhere between the two.

Rather than feeling pressure to have an artificially young-looking face, I felt for a short while that it was my job to be fitter than anyone I knew, and to be lean and sleek with visible muscle. I took on that pressure about twenty years ago without noticing it, because back then, that athletic look came naturally to me. When I started working out hard, at 39, I found that I was able to get remarkably strong, lose fat, and put on obvious muscle. 

So what? That ability is temporary, and in hindsight, it was fleeting. On the other hand, muscle mass is kind of like a savings account. I am glad to have added to it.

I opened a CrossFit gym when I was 45 and the fittest I'd ever been. Very soon I saw that (of course) many of my more athletic customers, and not just the young ones, were going to fly past me to fitness and athletic achievements I would never approach. And that was as it should be. My job was to coach them, not out-compete them. If my ego had clung to "I have to be the fittest/buffest/strongest/fastest," I would have disappointed myself daily, would have been unable to make my customers my true energetic focus, and would have burnt out emotionally.

Instead I just trained as best I could given my business-owner workload. I learned I wasn't alone in seeing my workout habits change after I opened my gym. It's notoriously hard for gym owners to get their own workouts done. To beat myself up for that would have been irresponsible. It would have been very poor self-care.

Many years later, today, I am strong and healthy. I look fairly fit and I have good posture and agility, and I’m muscular for my age and sex. But my "look" wouldn't astonish anybody. And I'm not uncompromised -- I have a nagging orthopedic issue to manage (foot pain). That's a lot more of a concern than my neck wrinkles.

I now work with fitness clients one on one. I teach the powerlifts for health and strength (not for competition). Each of my clients is over age 50. Most are women, and five are age 63 and up.

In between lifting sets, they take a timed rest, and we have time to chat. We talk about our families, our health, our plans, and, seldom, our looks. We know our lifting and our efforts at healthy eating are having a long-term positive effect on our health. Many of our goals for growing older are not appearance goals. There were no mirrors in my CrossFit gym, and there are none in my garage gym.

What follows are my answers to Anita Bhagwandas's prompts regarding an aging plan. Everything in italics is an excerpt from her post.

Anita Bhagwandas asks: Who are you ageing ‘goals’? Who do you think has nailed it when it comes to growing older?  Do you like their zero f*cks attitude, or that they have had ‘things’ done, but still look like themselves? Maybe you like that they haven’t had any cosmetic work done? Pick your top 3 people, and look for any commonalities - the answers should be revealing.

1. My favorite aunt, who is a lot older than I am. She has remained vibrant and mentally/emotionally healthy into an advanced decade through her courage, her curiosity about the world, her positivity, and her smarts. I want to be that admirable and delightful.

2. My acquaintance Jess M, a gifted ultrarunner who I think is over 50. She knows how to care for herself in ways that allow her to continue ultrarunning, and she is very seldom injured. She is gifted, as well as smart and prepared and well trained. I admire the sustainable level of discipline she practices that has allowed her to experience — while staying healthy — so many outdoor running events of a kind that most people, certainly including me, would never attempt.

3. Patti Smith, writer, artist, songwriter, singer. "Worker" is how she describes herself. She seems so vulnerable, so much herself, so willing to just be who she is and express herself. I want that creative courage, and I want the skill that she has, of precisely relating the interesting and the beautiful in the everyday.

Anita Bhagwandas asks: How do you really want to age? Forget about society, work, family, spouses et al. Think about how you want to age - the people you pick above might give you a heads up. Do you want to try to freeze time at any risk or cost? Do you want to be minimally invasive about it? How much do you want to spend monthly or yearly on this?

My answer: I want to age strong and healthy, physically and mentally. I want to continue eating healthy food and lifting weights. I want to continue being able, as long as possible, to squat and deadlift equal to or more more than I weigh (as I can now, easily). I want to keep my ability to do three to five pull-ups and push-ups "forever." I want to be able to walk and hike and catch myself, instead of falling, if I start to roll an ankle or to trip. Appearance-wise, I want to look strong, via my posture and agility. Having an “adult waistline” and having wrinkles have happened and will continue to happen, but they don't take value away from being strong and they don't take away health. 

Anita Bhagwandas asks: What is most important to you as you age? List what you think will be most valuable to you as you age. Is it comfort, family, peace, experiences, happiness, community? Where does your appearance fit into that if you put them in order of importance?

• The loving companionship of my husband. Friends to talk to and do things with.
  The ongoing health of my mind, so I can continue growing mentally/emotionally for as long as I live.

• Mental toughness to cope with inevitable loss of loved ones and inevitable health setbacks (despite my trying to mitigate them in advance).

• A comfortable, safe home and finances, which otherwise could be tremendous sources of stress after retirement. We're trying to be well prepared.

• My appearance would be farther down the list. People who like and love me seem fine with my looks. People don’t love each other for our looks.

You can't prevent your face and body from changing as time passes. My advice is, wash your face and brush your hair, buy and eat healthy food, and exercise to feel good. YMMV, but that is a better investment of self-care time and money for most people -- will pay off better and longer -- than plastic-surgery-adjacent "tweakments," which IMO are not self-care. 

I think Anita Bhagwandas's questions are good ones, and it was fun to think about them, which is why I wrote this post.

I was my mother’s mini-me at this moment